Live.... Just Live

6th October 1983, on the auspicious morning of Mahalaya, while rest of the Bengali world was busy invoking Goddess Durga, a baby girl arrived into the world. Moments later, she was christened Aparajita. The Invincible one. A namesake of Goddess Durga herself. Great expectations and even greater aspirations were thrust upon her from day one.

Same day, another year. She stands at the threshold of a new year of her life. Why not do a evaluation of the quarter-century long journey? To get a comprehension of what she has made of it. To grasp where she is headed. To secretly celebrate what all she has gained on the way, quietly mourn what she have lost.

Would the evaluation help her enter the next quarter with a clean slate? Nope. Cos she will never have a sparkling clean slate. There is just so much scribbling on the board, too much baggage that she has to carry. Her conscience compels her to forgive but does not allow her to forget.

Is it to feel absolved of her past mistakes and blunders? Oh, hell no. Not being able to fulfill the basic premise of pleasing others would make her condemn herself to miseries of a lifetime, what with phenomenal self-deprecating skills.

So then why? Why I ask? Why is she subjecting herself to this midnight introspection? Why not go after what her heart desires, rather than sink deeper into depression? I sense there is a pressing need for course correction.

A rebel by nature, a conformist by choice, she is nothing but a bundle of contradictions. In this eternal tussle between holding onto traditions and exercising the freedom of choice, she finds herself in this constant state of perplexity, looking for an identity.

The past two years have seen her turn into this strange entity, sans all sense of direction. So far, this year has drained her out. From being a confident, strong woman who had always lived up to the aspirations and expectations of her first day in the fall of 1983, the confidence has got plagued with lack of self-belief and the strength seems to have crumbled.

The urge to connect with people, to care about circumstances, to feel emotions is lost. She has lost all track of her priorities. She had taken drastic decisions in early 2008, to bring herself back to life, but has done nothing about the resolutions she took. So here she is, at another milestone in life, wanting to change the woman she has become. To embrace life, not run away from it.

So what does she do….

Phase out the fears. Each and every one of them. Fear of being all alone. Fear of exposing her real self. Fear of being judged. Fear of losing control.

Love unconditionally and completely, but not let people take over her life.

Make an attempt to put herself first, her happiness first, without going on an immediate guilt trip.

Let disappointments, pain and hurt wash all over her. Internalize it. But not allow them to paralyse her. Learn to let go of issues, of people, of past life.

Open up her mind, to newer avenues, newer experiences. Get a tattoo. Travel. Dance. Go wild. Live. The way she had always wanted to. On her terms.

Take risks galore and when she does fail, as she definitely will, learn from the mistake, shrug her shoulders and move on. If nothing else, call it experience that comes with age.

I mean, really, we live just once. Might as well have the best time possible. It is a roller-coaster ride, no doubt, but then the fun lies in riding it, not watching from afar. Why keep the soul entrapped between the exploding mind and imploding heart? Let it loose Wat say you?

P.S. Some part of it was written on 6th early morning. Some parts today. The emotions though, remain genuine.