Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Survivor by Instinct, Lost in Transition.. She seeks but she knows not what.. Yet she seeks.. Chronicles of a time gone by or the one yet to come.. Who cares?? :-)
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Not that she was counting
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Over-achieving, am !??
I have however seen two very strange aspects to this fact. My perfectly normal brother did everything as per the time frame of normal babies. He has never shown any extraordinary feats and hasn't been ahead of his time, like I have. So he had actually been labelled 'slow'. I have always thought that its extremely unfair. Not that he has voiced any complaints, but I am very sure he would have a lot of resentment in his heart of heart for a over-achieving show-off sister. He did however asked me once if I could fail at leastonce, just so that he would come out looking good. The continuous comparison between me and my brother, by the kith n kin in general and my parents in particular, I believe has made him especially quiet and reserved. And it has taught me something that I would remember in case of my kids. Each kid is unique on his/her own. If somebody wants completely alike children, they should simply clone themselves or whoever they want their children to be like.
At the other end of this spectrum has been the unenthusiastic, often blah reaction that these very people have shown to the stuff I have done well in life which had invoked an intense fear of failure in me. I have seen mediocre cousins/friends being praised for the marks they get or occasional accolades they win. In the same thread, the marks I have got have never been enough, because more has been expected, because I could have done so much better. Teachers have written 'Can do better.' My parents have often forgotten to tell people about a debate/quiz/dance competition I have won or event I have compered or something that I have deemed important. And they have brushed aside this occasional slip, saying that its just another thing. Other people need encouragement, I have been told when as a kid I have complained about the lack of appreciation for my accomplishments. So what did I need then? Discouragement, utter nonchalance.
Trust me, its not like I regret much about my life. I stand by my every decision. It also isn't like I hold a grudge against anyone. I truly believe everyone does the best that they can. We all are the best people we can be. Even if there is something that I have not liked or have deemed wrong, the doer of the act would not have done it if he would have thought it was wrong. So I have always placed full faith on his/her judgement.
So why do I crib? Because I can. Because I want to. I could pick up the phone and crib to actual people. But better here, in a world where no one knows me than in a world where other not-so-evolved people would hold it against me forever.
Monday, January 25, 2010
'ssup??
The last post I wrote here was way back in April last year. And then I removed it. It was reeking of pain. So much pain, that somewhere I was feeling naked. Completely exposed. And so I disappeared. From the blog. From GTalk. From the Received Call/Missed Call lists on people's phones.
Today I am gradually getting back. I received quite a few mails and sms from the few loyal readers that I had. To them, I promise to take out more time. And unlike resolutions every new year, this is a resolve I plan to keep.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Fix Me
More importantly, I am scared about what I might uncover... Scared that I might actually not be as insecure and incompetent as I believe I am... That I have the strength to survive anything that comes my way... That I might take pride in all I have acheived till today... Feel good about the person I am, the woman I can be... Truly start believing that I am the best... That I deserve nothing but the best...
I opened my playlist today and this is the first song that played... The eyes misted over, The heart yearned... Wishing that somebody would understand... That somebody would give a damn... That somebody would take over my life and lead me, at every step... That somebody would just Fix Me...
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
I know what I should have... I also know what I can have... And I know the gap... And trust me, it hurts every single night... Every single time that I am made to realise that I am not good enough... That I am expecting too much... Aiming too high... Wanting unrealistic things...
Its another sleepless night that I am headed into... And its just one of many to come... But someday, I would sleep easy and sleep happy...
Till then, Cheers to all you women out there, who have loving arms holding you and soothing words easing you into the world of dreams... Sweet dreams!! :-)
Monday, March 23, 2009
Her or Her
"I like you. Another world, another day. I would have definitely pursued you. But that does not change the fact that we are in this world, this day."
"Why? Why not now? Why not today? Why not in this world?"
" I have shared some beautiful years with her. She is very close to me. She has taught me so many things. She makes me look good.. In my own eyes. She loves me. I love her. All the crap that we keep going through to time to time. We have come out stronger every time. And its not just what we have been through. The understanding we have is perfect. I know what she thinks. She knows how my mind works. We know exactly what to do to hurt each other. She is very important to me. I cannot just give up on her one fine morning"
He had spent hours before this, explaining the same thing to her. He had been honest, from the beginning. Sometimes to the point of brutality. Yet she had refused to understand. And then a few sentences said about someone else. And in an instant, realisation had dawned.
She didnt begrudge him anything, or her, for that matter. They were perfect for each other. They had history. They had love. They had a future. They deserved a fairy tale life, the kinds with happily-ever-afters. The longing she felt for him, the craving, the love, she blamed him for none of that. He had done nothing to lead her there, had never encouraged it. But he indulged her. Knowing the fragile state of her ego, he let her play make-believe.
But today, it had hit her. And with that had arrived a tidal wave of memories. Every guy she had been with. Every 'relationship' she had try to build. How it was almost like a routine. Falling in love with the most complicated guys, agreeing to the most complicated setups, just to feed her million insecurities. Walking into each one of these "relationships" with full faith that she could make it work. Even if she was at it all alone, she would manage to sustain the bond. And then eventually, the crumbling would start. The shelf lives got shorter and shorter. So many years, so many guys, so many 'relationships', nothing to show.
What pricked her though was that nobody would say those words for her. Nobody. Not to her. Not to anyone else. She just did not mean that much to anyone. Nobody loved her today. Nobody would probably love her ever. :-(
So while I try to bring a smile to her lips, Cheers to all those women who are with men who love them. They are a rare commodity. Something very precious!! Cherish them with all your heart. :-)
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Cant Speak
I remember those days. The days when all I wanted to do was walk into your arms and hide from the world. To curl up into you and lose myself. You and your arms, had been the cure for my every pain. Yet each time I took a step towards you, you walked away. And there was the final blow, when you hugged me tight and then left me on the ground, wailing my heart out. I remember what you said, you were loud and clear. But I doubt that you even heard what I had said.
While you turned away from me and shrugged my hand off your shoulder, I whispered, "I am not done loving you yet." Probably I am still not done. :-(
What do I do?
Don’t demand.
Don’t expect.
Don’t depend.
Don’t desire.
Don’t feel.
Don’t touch.
Don’t ask.
Don’t speak.
Just give. Only give.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Enlightenment, anyone???
She thought about last night. Her lips curved just that lil bit and her eyes crinkled as she thought about him, stretched across her bed, a bedsheet spread over him untidily. He had been just another non-entity, a friend's friend or something like that, who she met over drinks one of those weekends. She had been on so many of those 'dates' that she could sleepwalk through them and the guy would not even realise what hit him. But he had been different.
Intelligent conversation with undertones of sarcasm had been like music to her ears which had gotten used to the usual small talk about the world in general and nothing in particular. Drinks had spilled over to dinner to well, dessert and more at her place. This was something she hadn't done probably since early teenage. Promiscuousness was not one of her vices and she prided herself on that. Well, that was then and this is now. Six months, Touchwood. No-strings attached. Mature. Adult relationship is probably how you would define what they had and she was amazed how she had managed not to screw up this one yet.
She loved her life today. Her job, the bonds she had conjured, the people she was surrounded with, her blog, she loved everything and most importantly, she loved herself. She had never been governed by 'what society thought' and had neither let her life get defined by norms. She had paid the price for it, burnt her fingers a lot of times. Had learnt life's lessons by trial and error and finally discovered what worked for her. She had frozen them as the rules she lived by. And every once in a while, she would break those very rules for that one moment of sheer ecstasy.
Nobody who knew her today would believe what an emotional wreck she had once been. That she had sunk to the unimaginable lows of utter despair. Had tried to take her own life once, seen it trickle out of her, one drop at a time. Had shut herself to the world and gone on mute mode for 65 days. Had experimented with drugs and alcohol as a lifestyle and lost the thread of her life. How she held grudges against everyone, her parents, her friends, ex-boyfriends. Had believed for quite some time that they were all out to get her, that they had all failed her. Had measured her life in terms of the miseries that had befallen her.
She walked over to the juice-vendor, breathless after her hour long run. Sipping on the usual juice cocktail that she loved, she thought of that night, the night of epiphany, almost 2 years ago. She had woken out of a drunken stupor, to discover a room full of strangers, going through diaries and laughing their hearts out. She came to life in a jolt, when she realised that they were reading her journals. She sat there in a trance, while they discussed her like some screwed-up nutcase. She had run out of there, leaving behind everything and had never looked back. Slowly but surely, she had cleaned up her act. She rediscovered her few virtues, resilience and determination being topmost on them. She got comfortable with the 'issues' , both self-inflicted and life-inflicted. And she survived.
As she walked back into her room and tossed the keys on the dressing-table, he stirred and reached out for her. She got out of her clothes and cuddled up to him. She still woke up screaming, on some nights, from nightmares that feature the possible states of self-destruction she could have ended up in. She knows that she was this close to ruining her life completely. For today, she is grateful that she did not let it fall apart.
So while she has managed to find her place in the scheme of things and has made peace with her life, I wonder how many of us are truly enlightened enough to do that. She could be an exceptional 'case' but then, don't we all have our personal hells which we refuse to let go off. I know I find it difficult to prevent my past from spilling over to my present or future. I could give you various reasons for that or probably, just suppress all your arguments by the all-encompassing 'Its complicated. You won't understand'. But truth be told, I guess I am not ready. But then I am getting there.
So while I try to find the most painless route to enlightenment, Cheers to all of you out there who are in constant battle with enemies, both within and without, and are an inch closer to discovering the winning formula!! Let me in on the secret too....
Monday, January 26, 2009
Urban Melancholy at its Best
She started doing so many things today but nothing was able to hold her interest for long. She would then drift off, leaving them in various states of disarray. After weeks, she had woken up hungry, wanting to have apple pie, exactly how her best friend made it. Yet the apples she cut for the pie got tossed into a zip-pouch and into the fridge. The table-cloth she was embroidering for her mom, was spread out half finished on her bed, the spools of colourful threads a stark contrast to the black satin bedsheet. Seeing her unmade bed made her sigh, thinking of those countless mornings when her mom would nag her into spreading a bedcover. Now there was no one to dictate how she lived. She sat on the window-sill and started sketching Chintu, the kid who sold balloons right outside her apartment. She knew his story, had a strong urge to rewrite it, give it less twists and turns and more pleasant surprises. The sketch-pad now lay on the glass table, the incomplete face staring out through the beautifully etched out eyes.
Next to the sketch-pad, her laptop was open, GTalk signed in. She kept scrolling up and down the list, the long list of red and green dots calling out to her. The red dot against her own name with an ominous "Not Available" as a status message, daring anyone to breach the virtual fence and drop by to say hi. As it turned out, no one did. Neither did her fone ring. Its not like she did not have friends or family. Her fone book was 842 people strong, with a good mix of professional and personal contacts. But a long trend of unreturned missed calls and unreplied messages had led people to leave her alone. The fact that she did not have 9 numbers that she could list down on speed dial was testimony to her uncertain social life.
She looked at the stack of books lying on the floor; the entire 'Shopaholic' series her colleague lent her the other day, the hugely acclaimed Booker-prize winning book, the book which had just been made into a Golden Globe winning movie, 'Feluda stories' that her dad had gifted to her... she had planned to go through them this weekend and each one of them had been opened. But listlessly put aside after the first few pages. She scanned through issue after issue of Femina, Cosmo and Vogue, till it had stop registering which magazine she was leafing through.
Finally giving up on everything, she made another one of the jasmine smelling, weird tasting tea that she had started getting used to and settled down to write. And this is all she could come up with....
Silent whispers in lonely nights
Unsaid emotions in loud fights
Dark shadows in illuminated rooms
Evident scars when the camera zooms
Crowds which suck you to its core
Conversations that leave u wanting more
Magic which lies only in fairy-tales
Bright purple polish on her nails
Measured footsteps echoing on the street
Writings where fact and fiction meet
Old wounds that refuse to heal
Strong, firm nerves of steel
Life hidden behind closed doors
Steering a boat without oars
She cant write anymore. Her hands refuse to type. Her mind is playing games with her again. And slowly, very slowly, one teardrop, just one truant drop, flows down her cheek and nestles itself on her neck. And so passes another night in utter solitude ....
Friday, January 02, 2009
In conversation with 2008
Her journey with you has been intriguing
Infinite facets to her being, you made her discover
Up and down, the roller-coaster you took her
So heady was the trip, she is yet to recover
Lonely were the roads that you took her down
Mystified and numb, she traversed the twisted lane
When she stumbled, you smirked at her helplessness
She simply shrugged and started walking again
Relationships, she realized, were not meant for her
More cynical she got as every promise got broken
Four years, six months, there is always a shelf life
Forever and eternity were nothing but an illusion
Walking out on the shackles she had entrapped herself in
Freedom she discovered in you, both financial and otherwise
She grew up, and lost the endearing niceness about her
You taught her maturity, she became worldly-wise
Shutting out the muck that you were heaving at her
Within herself, she found the will to survive
A blue fluttering butterfly etched on her bosom
She celebrated her individuality, got branded for life
You showed her that altruism was just a myth
Barring a few people, she accepted she was alone
She took extensive retail therapy, spent loads on herself
Bought her first diamonds, a sexy cell-phone
You gave her reasons to dance and sing
Took her on trip to places, both familiar and new
Introduced her to new spirits, both literally and otherwise
Overwhelmed her into writing, of her encounters with you
So much she lost with you, that she lost all count
This one year at one time felt like eternity
So much she found with you, that it made her grateful
Most of all for the eventual resurrection of an identity
Self-restraint you forced on her, with the surge of illnesses
She let go of chocolates and chicken, things she absolutely loved
Yet she has been stable and numb in the last few weeks with you
Probably it’s because of the bizarre cynicism she embraced
Today you hand her over to her new companion
She bids you farewell, her fingers clasped in prayer
The quiet comfort and happiness she felt on New Year’s eve
She wonders if it will always be there
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Late...by 12 days
So caught up was she in life that she did not realise it at all. Only when she noticed the red dot on the 24 on her calendar, did it sink in that she was late. Late by not a day or two but 12 days. This had never happened to her. For a split second, she felt her body hit rigor-mortis and then she was out of it. Now was not the time to fall apart.
She tried to recollect when her last period had ended. She reminded herself that she had never had sex without protection. Well, almost never. But then she had been on the pill ever since he had moved in with her 8 months back. So there was no need to panic. It was, but a minor aberration. Shaking herself out of the stupor she had momentarily subsided into, she drove to the Hilton to meet a client over drinks.
At the traffic junction, she looked up to see a hoarding advertising 'I-pill' and smiled. Irony or just coincidence? While driving, she felt as if the world was full of children. They seemed to be everywhere, on hoardings, at street corners, in cars, walking or being pushed around on prams on Marine Drive, playing cricket at the Gymkhana grounds, just about everywhere.
As the valet at Hilton took her keys from her, he offered her a hand to step out of the car. She stiffly refused but wondered why he had done it. Did he think she was pregnant? Did she look pregnant? She quickly glanced at her reflection in the mirror at the lounge and felt reassured when she sw her svelte self looking back at her. How would she look pregnant?
She nodded the thought out of her head as her client walked in to the lounge. He asked for a whisky on the rocks, she was surprised to hear herself say "Just orange juice!" instead of the usual martini or gin. Thorough professional that she was, she quickly attributed it to a decision not to drink in a meeting. Anyways, being careful never harmed anyone.
Driving back to her apartment, she thought about her life. She liked it the way it was. There was no place for a kid in it. He would not be very accepting to the idea either. They had high-flying jobs. Where would a child fit in? And she was only 29. Time was still on her side. She would have plenty of opportunity later. Then there was also the big M, marriage. It was all well and good to live in with the guy you loved but did she have it in her to have a child out of wedlock. Would he or she be legit?
She grinned as she smelt the familiar smells of a cappucino brewing in the kitchen. He was home. She found him in the shower and stepped in, surprising him. An hour and a half later, she lay in bed, her face snuggled into his arms Closing her eyes, she blurted it out. "Don't be silly", he said. "Get one of those home-pregnancy thingies and check for yourself", was all he could offer as a suggestion before he sat at his work-desk, the Do-not-disturb expression on his face.
She curled up on the settee on the window sill overlooking the sea, thinking what she should do. What if she was pregnant? Would she keep the baby? Could she afford to? What is he refused to have anything to do with it? Did she need him to have the baby? What about her job? Her promotion? Her parents? The vacation she had planned 4 months on would have to be cancelled. She would have to cut down on drinking, on eating out, on travelling.
It was all so restrictive. Most importantly did she even like kids? She liked her cousins' kids, also the ones who played cricket in the building compound. But none of them were her responsibility. She did not even know their names. Would she be able to care wholeheartedly for another human being, her own flesh and blood?
His small barely-there fingers curled into around her index finger. He yawned delicately as she held him. He smiled as his eyes registered her presence. All her friends and family was there. He was there, holding a banner with "Love you Mom" painted on it. Pale blue walls, white cradle, J&J gift packs, baby bath, his first step, his first 'Ma' . "Yes, baby!", she whispered as she woke up in a sweat. She had fallen asleep on the window sill. She looked at the rising sun and felt a strange calm come over her. She was ready. If she was pregnant, so be it. She would make the necessary changes. She had to find out. Now.
She quickly changed and walked to the neighbourhood medical shop. Walking back into the house, she kept the pregnancy test on the counter and brewed herself a cup a coffee. As she sat reading the instructions, she thought about how she would tell everyone. And then she felt it. And then she knew.
Sometime later, as she cuddled upto him, he held her close. "We will take care of it. Dont worry.", he said softly, still half asleep. She kissed him on the forehead and cried into his shoulders. Tears of relief, of disappointment, of guilt, of helplessness. There was nothing to take care of. Anymore.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Instant Decisions
Just back from the concert, he was still reeling from the experience. His eyes spotted her from afar as she made her way to him. All chic in white, she had him at "Hi!". He had felt it instantly. His eyes followed her all evening. As she took his hand possessively and made her way all the way to the front, as she laughed out loud uninhibited, as she chattered incessantly over dinner. He watched her now as she settled down on her favorite corner of the bed, her lips curled in a smile, her eyes crinkling into his laptop, her fingers typing furiously.
She looked up at him, as he came and sat down beside her, apologising about having taken over his laptop. He said he dint mind and immersed himself into the book he was trying to finish. She noticed him looking at her, and smiled back at him. All the while, she kept talking, telling him random things. He put the book aside and looked over her shoulder into the screen. He liked what she wrote, loved the inherent honesty in her words, the ease with which they flowed.
The only light in the room was the one emanating from the laptop, reflecting on the walls. They both looked at the screen, she writing, him reading. She finished the piece she was writing and asked him what he thought. He took her hand and traced out her fingers. She told him about the prophecies made by a novice palmistry guy. He immediately rebuked her from letting people play with the lines on her palm.
She ignored what he said and started writing another piece. He kept playing with the fingers of her left hand. And then she read out the line she had written, "Do we really stand a chance?", looking up at him expecting a comment. He stared right into her eyes and asked. "Do we?" It took her a moment to realise what he had asked. Slowly, she smiled and looked back at the screen.
He refused to let go of her hand, in a way trying to fuse their souls through the intertwined fingers. She did not even make an effort to free her hand. She sat there, going over the last few weeks. How she had bared her soul to him, vocalising things that she had been afraid to admit even to herself. How he had not judged her even on her darkest misdeeds, had always egged her to move on in life. She saw him now, waiting patiently to hear her say what he was confident she would say.
She smiled at him and his eyes lit up. He bent forward and hesitantly brushed her lips with his, putting slight pressure when not met by resistance. She moved back, and studied his face. She looked at her fingers, entwined in his. And then the softly-spoken words again, "Do we?"
In that moment, that exact moment, she knew. They were not meant to be. So she smiled back at him, held him close to her, softening the blow as much as she could. And into his ears, she whispered, "Not in this lifetime, we dont."
Friday, December 05, 2008
Traditions...
She had her parents wound tight with indignation and worries. The evident absence of fear, the utter irreverence towards customs, the works. They did not know how to react, they always seemed to over-react. Finally not knowing what to do, they gave up on her. They let her fall, killed the urge to pick her up or even hold her. She interpreted this as indifference on their part. The distance between them only increased, finally leading to an unacknowledged cold war.
Then she woke up one morning, overwhelmed with emotions she wasnt able to vocalise. She felt this void in her life, as if something was missing even in the midst of everything. She felt this longing for the very things she had always run away from. Early morning pooja did not seem like a burden, rather she got up early to make it a part of her routine. She found herself switching off her fone while she ate, reminding her of the zillion times she had been scolded about just that at the dinner table. She started calling her parents every day, just the way she had seen them call her grandparents.
It took a hell lot of guts for her to grow up and finally become who she really was. The fact is that we all grow up with the weight of customs, traditions and heritage. We can choose to carry it like dead weight and get no value addition. Or we can choose to let it be a guiding beacon which keeps us rooted and gives us a base to build our lives on.
So while I figure out who I want to be today, Cheers to all those of you who are seeking your identities. Remember, not all those who wander are lost!! :-)
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Stranger in the Mirror
The assortment of cosmetics and perfumes, lying on her dressing table, bought during her many trips abroad, gifted by friends on numerous occasions. The saris neatly hanging in her wardrobe, with its multitude of colours, weaves and designs. The bags and purses hanging on hooks, the sandals and chappals arranged on racks. The countless bangles of the wooden tree-like apparatus she had got specially made for it. The silver dibbi, with the scriptures engraved it, still red from the vermillion. It all reminded her of another time, another chapter in her life.
Red odhni on her head, hands resplendent with the gold bangles, the mangalsutra proudly settled on her bosom, the sindoor bright on her head, gently kicking the kalash at the threshold, she entered this house, at the age of 21. The myriad faces, her head confused with names and even more confused with the relations, the few stolen moments of privacy with her husband, the continuous ribbing by her husband’s siblings marked her first few weeks in the household. A whirlwind honeymoon in Mauritius, she came back to the day-to-day running of the house. She quickly adjusted into the family, like she had always been around.
The loud sound of the calling bell brought her out of her reverie. No, she did not want to answer the market survey about baby soap. Wasn’t it apparent why? She banged the door on the executive and walked towards the kitchen. Everything was the way she remembered. The spice jars half-full, the cups hanging over the sink, the food processor-microwave-rice cooker lined against one wall. The crockery cabinet arranged exactly the way she had the day before she had left, or was it 3 days before she left. She could not remember.
Her memory played these games with her. She remembered everything, yet nothing. She seemed to have lost the very basic threads of life, the strings that kept her together, that defined who she was. She sees these flitting images of her past life but can never see the whole picture. She had blocked out thoughts to preserve her sanity, now her thoughts refuse to resurface. So she wanders in the hazy, labyrinthine paths of her mind, trying to piece together a past that apparently is too dark to even remember.
She never wanted to be a part of the rat race. Home, family, children, this is what her dreams had always been made of. Her heart broke when these dreams were deemed mundane and a symbol of her lazy selfishness. She cried when she had her first miscarriage, by the fourth one, her tears had dried up. She was more relieved than surprised when her husband of 3 years asked her to move out to the guest room. The fissures between them were anyways interminably huge, so what difference would a brick and mortar wall make.
Her fairy tale had turned into a Shakespearean tragedy and she knew not why. The more her husband tried to maintain a distance, the more she craved to serve him. When he stopped coming home, she started following him around. Office, hotels, restaurants and everywhere else he went with his mistress, her eyes followed him. Her obsession was eating into her. She felt consumed by this intense feeling of helplessness. She pictured herself in place of his mistress and weaved this imaginary world around herself. To everyone else, she seemed normal but she could see herself crumbling.
And that day, the obsession had ended. He was dead. His mistress was dead. His wife still lived. How hard they tried to prove that she wasn’t to blame? But then she knew she had to do it. His mistress was easy, one cut and she was dead. She saw his eyes, first all angry and proud, but then pleading to be spared. She saw his body, covered in blood. She sat there, watched him die. She was sentenced to life imprisonment but then let go, due to mental instability. And here she was, 4 years later, staring at the stranger in the mirror.
She is back, hoping to find herself. But all she can see is this woman in the mirror. She doesn’t want her, doesn’t want to be her. But then who does she want to be? Who do we all want to be? Wish I knew the answers. Wish I could help her, not just today but when she first lost herself. Prevention, as they say, is probably not just better but also easier than cure.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Live.... Just Live
Same day, another year. She stands at the threshold of a new year of her life. Why not do a evaluation of the quarter-century long journey? To get a comprehension of what she has made of it. To grasp where she is headed. To secretly celebrate what all she has gained on the way, quietly mourn what she have lost.
Would the evaluation help her enter the next quarter with a clean slate? Nope. Cos she will never have a sparkling clean slate. There is just so much scribbling on the board, too much baggage that she has to carry. Her conscience compels her to forgive but does not allow her to forget.
Is it to feel absolved of her past mistakes and blunders? Oh, hell no. Not being able to fulfill the basic premise of pleasing others would make her condemn herself to miseries of a lifetime, what with phenomenal self-deprecating skills.
So then why? Why I ask? Why is she subjecting herself to this midnight introspection? Why not go after what her heart desires, rather than sink deeper into depression? I sense there is a pressing need for course correction.
A rebel by nature, a conformist by choice, she is nothing but a bundle of contradictions. In this eternal tussle between holding onto traditions and exercising the freedom of choice, she finds herself in this constant state of perplexity, looking for an identity.
The past two years have seen her turn into this strange entity, sans all sense of direction. So far, this year has drained her out. From being a confident, strong woman who had always lived up to the aspirations and expectations of her first day in the fall of 1983, the confidence has got plagued with lack of self-belief and the strength seems to have crumbled.
The urge to connect with people, to care about circumstances, to feel emotions is lost. She has lost all track of her priorities. She had taken drastic decisions in early 2008, to bring herself back to life, but has done nothing about the resolutions she took. So here she is, at another milestone in life, wanting to change the woman she has become. To embrace life, not run away from it.
So what does she do….
Phase out the fears. Each and every one of them. Fear of being all alone. Fear of exposing her real self. Fear of being judged. Fear of losing control.
Love unconditionally and completely, but not let people take over her life.
Make an attempt to put herself first, her happiness first, without going on an immediate guilt trip.
Let disappointments, pain and hurt wash all over her. Internalize it. But not allow them to paralyse her. Learn to let go of issues, of people, of past life.
Open up her mind, to newer avenues, newer experiences. Get a tattoo. Travel. Dance. Go wild. Live. The way she had always wanted to. On her terms.
Take risks galore and when she does fail, as she definitely will, learn from the mistake, shrug her shoulders and move on. If nothing else, call it experience that comes with age.
I mean, really, we live just once. Might as well have the best time possible. It is a roller-coaster ride, no doubt, but then the fun lies in riding it, not watching from afar. Why keep the soul entrapped between the exploding mind and imploding heart? Let it loose Wat say you?
P.S. Some part of it was written on 6th early morning. Some parts today. The emotions though, remain genuine.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Violent past...
Why, she wondered. Well, there was this anniversary she had to attend this evening. Her own third anniversary. The party she had meticulously planned, from the invites to the decor to the chocolates to be given to guests as return gifts.
Slowly dragging her feet, she willed herself to move on. She collapsed into the bath-tub, drowning her pain in the scented, soapy water. She scrubbed her body. Hard, very hard. Hoping that his hatred would just wash away, knowing that actually his love was here to stay.
All the while, her ears were pricked, listening to every sound in the house. Finally giving up on the loofah and scrub and believing that he had had his share for the day, she relaxed and let her tense muscles mourn.
Why did she take this kind of torture, she asked herself again and again. She could just walk out, could have walked out the first day he stubbed his cigarette on her wrist, or flung her across her bedroom on the glass table. She could have told her parents the truth about all the scars on her body, could have confided in her friends about the ones on her soul.
Why did she choose this silence? Did she really believe him when he apologised and bought her expensive gifts? What was she waiting for? The apologies had long stopped, also the sweet-nothings. All the remained were taunts and curses. Occasional slaps and shoves had turned into regular thrashings. The physical suppression was not enough, so it had to be reinforced with verbal lashings in public and various forms of mind-games.
Had she started liking it? Maybe, she felt that she deserved it. Maybe, she even revelled in it. She knew he drew his energy out of repressing her, got this unimaginable satisfaction seeing her helpless, dishevelled state. He knew she was his to play with, to possess and even to destroy. He needed her, in a way that only she could understand. Or so she thought.
The clinking of glassware and shuffling of furniture jolted her out of her thoughts. The help for the party was here. She quickly got dressed and moved out. She was amazed at her own resilience these days. All the anger, despise, disgust, sorrow that she used to feel was all lost now. What remained was quite submission to him, to her life with him.
So cheers to the three years of marriage gone by and many more to come. She would celebrate today, like she did every day. Every time that it seemed like she would not be able to live another moment more but then, slowly and surely survived
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sweet Release.......
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Solace....or the lack of it :-)
A lot of this was said. A lot of it implied. And some, I am sure was just imagined by her in the mindfucked state that she was. She just wanted things to be the way they were. She could not comprehend what had happened to them. Or again, maybe nothing had. Maybe everything was fine and she was just obsessing. What she found more astonishing was what came after this... I love you. You are awesome, simply the best. Doesnt matter what I say or do, you are the best.
Really, I mean, really who was she kidding. She is the best when she sounds all chirpy and happy, and its not rocket science to figure that out. So does that mean that she should stop voicing concerns? She is not even able to voice the right ones, her mind is so clouded. The words always come out wrong. She still hasnt been able to say what is bothering her. Does she even know? Maybe it is not meant to be or maybe it is meant not to be. Who is to know? Who is to say? Who is to judge?
Monday, July 21, 2008
Do they leave or just hover around??
The Ghost of Christmas Past is a favorite character of mine. Every time a skeleton comes walkin out of my closet or a person I had buried deep inside reappears, I get this intense feeling of Deja vu. I mean the ghosts just do not go down quiet. The calm moments in life are always the lull before the storm, like a temporaray ceasefire. The blasts from my past are loud and very very real. They come flitting in, do their thing and walk out just as coolly.
Sometimes, when I look around myself, I see people who I know I wil carry with myself, who have been there for a long time. And then there are those who will most definitely phase out of my life, then realise that they did not like the way I treated them and so walk right back in at the most inopportune moment. It has happened before and I know it will happen again. So what do I do? Nothing :-)
This prompt raised a lot of disturbing thoughts, most of which I would keep in my head and not put into words, for the sheer fear of being haunted by them for days to come. However, it also struck this nostalgic chord. Of childhood and vacations and ghost stories.
My dadu (maternal grand-father) is like a master story-teller. A pause here, throat clearing there, the expressions and the intonations, and most importantly, the well-timed break in the story. Vacations with him meant long walks, eating otherwise-banned 'khuch-khach' at otherwise-banned roadside shops, continuous search operations for his specs and snuff-box, but above all, 'bhooter golpo' or ghost stories. Dadu was a railway guard, for goods trains. So his stories had the element of lonely journeys on secluded tracks, to places I had never heard about. My grand mother scoffed at his stories, my brother was always busy with his cartoons but my childhood revolved around his words, so much so that some stories were spread over successive visits. One day, the stories stopped. I really dont know why. He says that he ran out of stories. I think I grew up and he lost his most ardent listener. I havent asked him to tell me a story in a long time. I remember his animated face and the seriousness with which I held onto his every word, to the point of shooing people who let out giggles during story-telling. I dont think I would have the same fervour today. I dont want to dilute the memory.
I wish dadu is around forever.. Not move on like didu and amma or my other dadu who I never saw.. My kids need to experience his presence, of having a dadu who enlightens you with the forms of ghosts in the world, reinforcing the existence of bad which you can eliminate with the good in you.. He has been a essential part of my growing up, he has to be a part of theirs.
So while I call up dadu and coax him into penning down his stories for me....Cheers to ghosts, both friendly and scary, to each his own!!!!!
Click here for more on Ghosts....
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Dosti...
I have seen this happen a lot, especially with the advent of Orkut and Facebook.. I have rediscovered people, tracked down people who I believed I had lost to time.. To people who do not know me at all, I have stayed in three different cities, gone to four different educational institutions, do not have a so-called "native place".. So though I do know a lot of people and love most of them, there are only so many people with whom I continue to keep in touch on a regular basis..
So normally when I find old friends or even acquaintances like neighbours or classmates on Orkut, I always leave a variation of the same scrap "Hi!! This is me. Long time!! Do scrap back if the name rings a bell." And honest to god, in 80% cases, I do not even expect a reply, for various reasons. This holds the truest in case of the people from Jamshedpur, cos I left that city in 1996, so I havent met that bunch of people for 12 years. And you cant imagine the ecstacy, when every single person I scrap replies back, showing a flicker and more of recognition.
We reconnect on scrapbooks, mails, G-Talk and fone, I leave the choice to them. Its amazing how we remember incidents, birthdays, people, quirks, pet peeves, inspite of being soo zoned out of each other's lives. Yup, the connection is very rarely of the same intensity, cos truth be told, we have moved on in life. But it is awesome to view the changes in each other, share latest updates and future plans.
This line of thought came out of this week's prompt on Sunday Scribblings. The first person who popped into my mind.....
She, of the dreamy thoughts and quiet understanding, the whacky suggestions and motherly affections. Shared interests, Different backgrounds. 12 years since I met her, the distance and the communication gap notwithstanding, we have remained the best of friends. Dissecting life's silliest issues, bitching about the world and its grandmother, post-midnight discussions on life-changing events, hers is the first number I dial when I wanna talk. Ranting, raving, reflecting, rehashing. Complete in-your-face booing down of bad ideas, yet full-fledged relentless support in decisions. No notion of private space whatsoever, to the point of no shame. Unconditional love in its best avatar. She knows what she means to me.
So while I wait for her to find her way here and then get all cheerful...... Here's to friendships, old and new, alive and dead!!!
For more on Old Friends, visit Sunday Scribblings....
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Spirituality.. or is it??
The first time I heard these lines was at the age of 10, at the house of a neighbour. He used to listen to this cassette every morning. I had asked him what it was and he said that these were lines from the Guru Granth Sahib. I was very confused. Rao uncle was definitely not Sikh, not even remotely related to the Punjab or the northern region as a whole. However, he started the day with these lines. I asked him what they meant and he explained it to me. Over the years, I had forgotten Mr. Rao and these lines.
Few years back, I bought the CD for Rang De Basanti. I plugged in the earphones, put the CD in the Discman and Lay down. I donno when I fell asleep, but when I opened my eyes, I heard the first strains of 'Ik Onkar'. I just fell in love with these lines. Since then, these lines have given me strength at times of crisis, hope when I have no clue what is in store and has basically, calmed me down whenever I have been hyper.
I found the lines with translation in a blog (http://mindstilled.blogspot.com). I just had to reproduce it here. Hope these lines give you as much peace. Click here if you would like visual version of it.
Ik Onkaar
There is only one God
Sat Naam
His Name is Truth
Karta Purkh
He is the Creator
Nir Bhau
He is without fear
Nir Vair
He is without hate
Akaal Moorat
He is beyond time (Immortal)
Ajooni
He is beyond birth and death
Saibhang
He is self-existent
Gur Parsaad
He is realised by the Guru's grace.
Jap
Recite this prayer
Aad Sach
He existed in the beginning and was the Truth
Jugad Sach
He has been existing through the ages as the Truth
Hai bhi Sach
Even now he Is . The truth
Nanak ho se bhi sach
Nanak says that this Truth shall forever be.
Sochai soch na hovayi je sochi lakhvaar.
Cleansing the body cannot make the mind clean.
Chupai chup na hovayi je laye rahaa livtaar.
The mind cannot be silenced by remaining silence continuously.
Bhukheya bhukh na utari je banna puriya bhaar.
Greed cannot be ended by being given an abundance of wealth.
Sehas syanpaa lakh hohe ta ik na chalai naal.
Even if ones cleverness was to become infinite, this intelligence and shrewdness is not the way to God.
Kiv sacheyara hoyiyai kiv koode tuttai paal.
How can one be true and pure enough to be on the path to God?
Hukam rajaee challnaa Nanak likheya naal.
By leading life according to God's will.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Too soon or too late!!!
He walks in first. She is late, as usual. The waiter knows him. He smiles, clears their usual table. He sits, gazes at the pool outside. She had chosen this table. She was scared of water, yet loved looking at still waters. Said it made her feel calm. Such a bundle of contradictions, is that why he fell for her. Bcos she hated bright colors but loved red nail polish. Bcos she was a fabulous cook but needed him to make her the perfect cuppa every morning. Bcos she would talk nineteen to the dozen at any given time, yet listen quietly when he really needed Bcos she was blunt to the point of rudeness but soft, oh-so-soft while in bed. He sighed and shook himself out of this stupor. Enough was enough. The whole idea of today was to get it over with once and for all.
One and half hours, still no sign of her. Two cups of tea, lemon, no milk, one Sugar-free tablet. She liked it that way, He had started it liking it way too. She said it would help him lose the extra flab around the waist. Also jogging on the empty road at 5:30 every morning. Fruits and cornflakes for breakfast, Subway for lunch. How hard he had resisted these habits when his mother had insisted, how easy it had been for him to imbibe them when she asked. Even her incessant nagging had failed to cure him of one habit. Proof of that was in the 7 odd cigarette butts that lay fuming in the ashtray. As he lit his 8th cigarette, he remembered the first time she had pulled out a ciggie from his mouth and split it into two. After she did it twice, he had caught her hand and kissed her fingers. The jingle-jangle of her bangles as they hit his watch, he loved the sound. He could hear it even now.
As the sound became louder, he realised that she had arrived. Lemon churidar-kurta, hands full of yellow bangles, silver baalis dangling from her ears, she looked like the wind blowing over a field of daisies. There was something about the perfume she was wearing though. It seemed familiar but not hers. She sat opposite him, she had always insisted on it. He wondered why now, did she always want some distance between them. She smiled, but somehow her smiled seemed brighter than he remembered in the last 6 months. Was she really happier now? Did she never feel this happiness in the last 3 years with him? The waiter got her tea. He put milk in her tea. He was about to ask him not to, but then noticed she did not. So had her taste changed? How did the waiter know? Had she been here without him? After him? With someone else? How did it matter?
She brought out the papers. Silently pushed them towards him. 'Copy of Petitioner 2', it said. So thats all I was in her life now, Petitioner 2. She looked deep into her cup, not uttering a word. Why had she come, if she did not want to speak? Anyone would have delivered the papers to him. He did not even want them. She could have whatever she wanted. He had given him his heart, his life, three years of love, longing, desire, happiness. He had changed his lifestyle, his hairstyle, everything he possibly could. So what is it that she could ask for now, that he could even offer?
She finished her tea. Looked up at him expectantly. Then he remembered the envelope. He gave it to her. She took out the snaps. She found one missing, and looked up questioningly. He could not bring himself to return that pic to her. It was taken on their honeymoon. She in a baby-pink night gown, the morning after, her hair tousled, her eyes sleepy. There was this mix of eroticism and innocence in that pic. Thats how he wanted to remember her. The child-woman that she was. The way she looked and behaved today made her appear way older than her age. He silently pleaded with her not to ask for the pic. She refused to budge. He gave it to her, his eyes misting over. He controlled himself, telling himself that when an entire relationship had fallen apart, a pic was but a small price to pay for it.
She got up to leave. He wanted to talk. He knew there was nothing left to say, but he had so much to ask. To her, it seemed enough to just walk out and never come back. To him, it seemed like his heart would burst open. For 6 months, he had tried to talk to her but she hadnt spoken a word, except the D word. So, here he was, finally giving up. Doing what he knew would make atleast one person happy. She hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. That touch of her hair, that feeling of having her close. How could her let her go? But the perfume she was wearing. Where had he smelled it before? He turned around and watched her go. She stopped at the door. His heart skipped a beat. She has realised its all a mistake. She wants to come back. He would definitely take her back. She opened her purse, took out the envelope he had just given up, tore it into a million pieces and threw them into the dust bin.
That is when he felt the first drop of tear roll down his nose to his palm. More followed. He silently sobbed. He got into his car, where his silent sobs turned into loud wails. He felt all alone in the restaurant full of people. He needed to speak to someone. He thought of M, his best friend. The guy who had seen him through the best and worst of times. He started dialling his number and stopped short.
He remembered the perfume. M had sprayed it in the car for his benefit. M said that he had bought it as a gift for the woman he loved. He dropped M at DLF City. The flat number he said at the gate was Mrs. S. Parekh, Flat 4B, Block II. He had felt very happy for M when he left the society after dropping him. Now he felt sick to the very core of his soul. Hesitantly, sending silent prayers to heavens above, he turned the pages of the affidavit and looked for the address of Petitioner 1. There it was,
Address: C/o Mrs. Savita Parekh Flat 4B, Block II, DLF City
Sleepless Nights, Endless Nights!!
I have always loved nights. Mom calls me Nishachar, Dad calls me Ullu. I would not blame them. Wat gave them immense pleasure (when they found me studying into the wee hours of the morning) became a cause of concern (when the fone bills shot up and it was discovered that most calls were being made from my room at that exact unearthly hour). I have, however, remained nocturnal. Some of most creative ideas have struck me post midnight. Project work, Cutting perfectly good clothes to make them trendy, Writing everything from my debate speeches to poems to my brother's essays, Sketching random objects, I have spent many a night doing all this and more. Most amazing results were seen right around the time that people were in their umpteenth nightmare.
Conversations with Dum'ness. With boyfriends. With best friends. With best friends' boyfriends. With roomies. With bro. Face-to-face. From the landline. On the cellphone. On Gtalk. On Orkut. STD, ISD, VoIP. Through it all, the most meaningful and heartfelt conversations were had in the time frame of 2 to 5. There is something about nights. It helps me open up. Get across easily. As if the darkness outside absorbs all the pretenses of the day. The silence outside encourages expression from within. A feeling of detoxification, a sense of belonging sets in. There is often no fixed agenda or even a line of thought. But so much gets said, so much more understood.
Yet, here I am, wide awake another night. My cellphone lying next to me. The Gtalk window open. Yet not a soul I can speak to. I m finding it harder and harder to sustain conversation. Such is the irony of my nature. The inclination to communicate is often curbed by the utter banality of the conversation. Smiles and laughter are to be shared and spread, tears to me are stubbornly mine.
Living alone in a strange place had never been a problem. So I had never eaten alone. Or watched a movie alone. Or travelled alone. Or even shopped alone. So, wat is wrong in keeping oneself inslated from the world with a line of defense. And the funniest part is that when I wasnt alone, I often imagined about how liberating independence would be. It is, I would not disagree. But the feeling of complete helplessness and dread that washes over me from time to time makes me feel otherwise. The moments of despair that threaten my very solid emotional balance, scare me and tell me that something is seriously amiss.
Chronic depression, that is what I think the experts would call it. I dont know and couldn't care less. Wat I know is that this too shall pass. Have survived the last 24, rather eventful years. Will definitely move on from here. This is but a minor aberration.
So till I am able to figure out a way to cure my sleeplessness...... Cheers to the last nights in Pune which had it all, good food and good conversation... :-)
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Guide
Hours are spent weighing the pros and cons of a decision.. How it would affect you, today and in the long run.. A million souls are consulted, a lot of unsolicited advice is digested.. Yet, I always go with my gut feeling
Gut feeling.. I am yet to understand how this feeling develops or why is it that I trust it so much.. Most people I know take measured steps, they can give you a written justification about everything they do.. I mostly end up saying, 'Because I felt like it' or 'Just like that'.. I have got my share of reprimand from elders as well as friends about the sheer recklessness of the behaviour.. But then these people refuse to see how my impulsive decisions, however irresponsible, are something I have always stood by.
I have had a lot of influences in life.. The best thing about that has been that I have not turned out like any of them, rather like a jamboree of everyone.. There is a little bit of everyone in me, which can be very cheesily put as 'I can be anything you want me to be'.. Add to this the basic inquisitive, rather argumentative, nature of mine and you would find yourself in the shoes of a debater who has not just written her own speech but also the speech of the counterpart (Yes, I am guilty of having done that)... So you can imagine the amount of contemplation and dissonance I go through before I reach a decision... Hence, my guiding principle has come down to 'Doing what my conscience will not question'..
That, however, does not mean that I am able to escape the external sphere of well-wishing commentators... From dissecting the plan of action to the very root cause of my behaviour, their analysis would put Freud to shame, but that has never made me ask them to F#%& off.. It has actually made me listen to them even more intently, because every single version and point-of-view helps my 'Gut' process feelings better..
So while I send out a silent thanks to each and every well-wishing busybody and not-so-busy body......Cheers to friends whose philisophies guide us!!!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Untangle me........
For a sign of recognition
Of acceptance
What I find is an echo
Of my hesitant desires
My quiet melancholy
Time passes by, I wait
For you to register my presence
But you are too distant to return
What is it that you are so lost in?
Happier times, easier times
Lost love, lost life
Within you, you look for peace
Shy away from the world that you hate
Is that the answer to my pains too, I wonder
You push me away, far away
Say your life has no place for me
Take me in, I say. Let me heal you
Words refuse to express my emotions
All I have with you are silent conversations
Pain and more pain, where is my redemption
Bring me back to life, I crave for it
Dont flinch when I reach out to you
Take my hand….. Untangle me
Back from Oblivion
I am in Mumbai, sitting all alone in a hotel room... Wondering what the future has in store... The last 2 months had been very relaxing, the last 10 days quite liberating... Its been like a coming-of-age, moving form one phase to another...
This sudden loneliness is in stark contrast with the over-exposure to familial love that I experienced for the last few months... There is this silence that I am killing with loud TV and music and this vacuum that I am filling with gtalk and orkut... What is it that I am missin so much, I do not know... I have lived alone before, away from parents and friends... Then what is it that I am wanting??
In April, I attended 2 major family functions... My cousin's wedding and my nephew's annaprasan... Annaprasan is the day that a child is fed solids for the first time... The sight of a maccher muro (fish head) served to my nephew which was bigger than his head... The relish with which he ate every morsel presented to him... An amalgamation of Punjabi and Bengali culture seen on my sister, both in the mehndi-alta combo on her hands and feet as well as the Chudas n Shakha-Pola-Loha jangling on her arms... The various shades of red that me and my sisters had worn for the wedding...Twas quite a homecoming for all of us, after very long...
Then came, the much awaited trip to Kolkata... Breakfast at Flury's, Dinner at Saurav's, Sunrise at Dakshineshwar, Sunset at Maidan, Victoria Memorial to South City Mall, Trams to Cycle Rickshaws to Metros.. This trip was a revelation.. To be honest, I had always hated Kolkata.. The heat, the humidity, the crowds, the cacophony, the entire Bongitude basically got to me.. But this time, I somehow did not crib as much.. Probably bcos of the nostalgia quotient attached to it or perhaps, twas because of the esteemd company I had... All said and done, Kolkata rocked.
2nd June, I reported to a new office... The newness of it all is intriguing me just as much as the familiarity of the situation...
Suddenly at the end of the post, the feeling of desolation has subsided... Probably bcos I have written this post over 3 hours (unbelievable but true)... Somewhere I heard, "Not all who are wandering are aimless." Donno the relevance here but I m increasingly getting this feeling of restlessness... Very ominous a feeling to have at the beginning of something :-)
So till I figure out what to write about next.... Cheers to not-so-aimless wanderings
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Miss u Badshah dada....
23rd June, 1993... Said goodbye to dad, was leaving for school when the phone rang... Seeing no one around, I picked up the fone... Cudnt make out the tearful gibberish on the other side but had this ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach... Made out the words 'Badshah' and 'maara gache (has died in Bengali)'... Knew then that it could not be good news.. I changed my uniform and packed my suitcase, while Ma-Baba spoke on the fone.. I knew school had to wait..
On the way to Ranchi, Ma kept crying, Baba was unusually silent, Duke slept the whole time.. So there was just me with a lot of unanswered questions.. I wanted to know what had happened, but wasnt considered old enough to know all the details.. So I waited
The atmosphere at Ranchi was chilling.. I had never seen so many people collectively cry.. Men, women, relatives, friends, acquaintances, everyone gathered around each other, trying to console each other... My eyes were only searching one person.. Badshah dada
Somehow in my childish head, I was in denial.. I knew in my head that he had died but I had this lil hope that it was all a big mistake.. I mean I had spoken to him a few days back when he had promised to come to Jamshedpur soon... He never broke his promises, he was almost Rajput-like about it... So it was impossible that he had died on me..
And then, I saw him.. Covered in white cloth, wearing his favorite purple t-shirt.. His body had bloated due to the water in which he had been lying in for god-knows-how-many hours.. He looked so calm, so at ease.. My chattering, always busy, hustling-bustling brother was not even flinching when people were falling all over him, sobbing...
He loved Amma (my paternal grand-mother) so much that he would wake up from the deepest slumbers at one beckoning from her... Today he was oblivious to the her heart-wrenching sobs.. His mother, my sisters, everyone called out his name but he refused to answer.. I did not know what to do
I wanted everyone to just shut up.. He hated tears, always tried to make people happy... He was a light sleeper, hated too much noise when he slept.. I wanted to yell at everyone, but the sight of his t-shirt had me spell-bound.. He loved his purple t-shirt so much that I had once said that when he dies, we would cremate his t-shirt with him, or else he mite come back for it from the other world.. He seemed to be smirking at me in that t-shirt, saying that he has done the needful
He hated getting wet.. It did not fit.. How could the life of the house, the apple of his parents' eyes, the much-adored brother of his sisters kill himself?? How could he jump into a well and not give one thought to the people he was leaving behind?? What could have troubled his 16 yr old mind so much that this was the only escape he could find?? My mind was exploding with questions but my eyes refused to shed a tear. I just wanted answers..
The true colors of grief were visible only after he got carried away on a truck for cremation. It did not take minutes for the pseudo-mourners to start speculating about why he had killed himself... The word 'Suicide' was being relished and repeated without a single thought being given to the grieving family.. "I heard he flunked his boards", "Some girl jilted him", "I think he was caught in some drugs problem"...1000 ppl, 1000 explanations, forget empathy, there was not even enough pity.
"He was calling up some Jamshedpur number for hrs before he committed suicide", said this well-wisher to my mother. Hearing this, my mother's tears knew no bounds cos the number cited was ours. A million if-only's crossed her mind and if looks could kill, I would have been arrested for the murder of the well-wisher.
The next few days passed in a flurry with the usual rituals.... Every day, at precisely 5:30 in the evening, I would stare at the gate, expecting Badshah dada to kick the gate open, walk in, in his uniform, pretending to be surprised to see me although I have told him a million times already... I wanted him to come, so bad that it physically hurt... I wanted to wail, loud and long but even at age 9, my precocious nature made me console others which effectively suppressed any pain that I felt
We passed the cremation ground on our way to Jamshedpur... Here, Duke informed in a very worldly-wise tone that that is where they had put Badshah dad in a rocket and sent him to the stars.. I guess this comment is what inspired
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
Badshah, I know you are there
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky
Indrajit Mitra
Born: 12th February, 1977
Died: 23rd June, 1993
I wil always miss you, Badshah dada... Wish so much that you were here..