Sleepless Nights, Endless Nights!!

Another sleepless night. This one plagued not just with insomnia but also fever and cramps. First round of tears done with, I now have this strong urge to run. No clue about where I would run towards, but the urge is all-consuming. I am pensive, pondering about the most unlikeliest things at this unearthly hour of the day.
I have always loved nights. Mom calls me Nishachar, Dad calls me Ullu. I would not blame them. Wat gave them immense pleasure (when they found me studying into the wee hours of the morning) became a cause of concern (when the fone bills shot up and it was discovered that most calls were being made from my room at that exact unearthly hour). I have, however, remained nocturnal. Some of most creative ideas have struck me post midnight. Project work, Cutting perfectly good clothes to make them trendy, Writing everything from my debate speeches to poems to my brother's essays, Sketching random objects, I have spent many a night doing all this and more. Most amazing results were seen right around the time that people were in their umpteenth nightmare.
Conversations with Dum'ness. With boyfriends. With best friends. With best friends' boyfriends. With roomies. With bro. Face-to-face. From the landline. On the cellphone. On Gtalk. On Orkut. STD, ISD, VoIP. Through it all, the most meaningful and heartfelt conversations were had in the time frame of 2 to 5. There is something about nights. It helps me open up. Get across easily. As if the darkness outside absorbs all the pretenses of the day. The silence outside encourages expression from within. A feeling of detoxification, a sense of belonging sets in. There is often no fixed agenda or even a line of thought. But so much gets said, so much more understood.
Yet, here I am, wide awake another night. My cellphone lying next to me. The Gtalk window open. Yet not a soul I can speak to. I m finding it harder and harder to sustain conversation. Such is the irony of my nature. The inclination to communicate is often curbed by the utter banality of the conversation. Smiles and laughter are to be shared and spread, tears to me are stubbornly mine.
Living alone in a strange place had never been a problem. So I had never eaten alone. Or watched a movie alone. Or travelled alone. Or even shopped alone. So, wat is wrong in keeping oneself inslated from the world with a line of defense. And the funniest part is that when I wasnt alone, I often imagined about how liberating independence would be. It is, I would not disagree. But the feeling of complete helplessness and dread that washes over me from time to time makes me feel otherwise. The moments of despair that threaten my very solid emotional balance, scare me and tell me that something is seriously amiss.
Chronic depression, that is what I think the experts would call it. I dont know and couldn't care less. Wat I know is that this too shall pass. Have survived the last 24, rather eventful years. Will definitely move on from here. This is but a minor aberration.

So till I am able to figure out a way to cure my sleeplessness...... Cheers to the last nights in Pune which had it all, good food and good conversation... :-)