Enlightenment, anyone???

The early morning drizzle hit her face, as she stepped out of the car. Tightening her shoe-laces, she took a long breath and looked out to the sea. Plugging in her i-pod and setting it on shuffle, she hit the jogging trail. Nodding at the familiar faces, smiling at the new ones, she started the first stretch of the 6 rounds that had now become routine for her.

She thought about last night. Her lips curved just that lil bit and her eyes crinkled as she thought about him, stretched across her bed, a bedsheet spread over him untidily. He had been just another non-entity, a friend's friend or something like that, who she met over drinks one of those weekends. She had been on so many of those 'dates' that she could sleepwalk through them and the guy would not even realise what hit him. But he had been different.

Intelligent conversation with undertones of sarcasm had been like music to her ears which had gotten used to the usual small talk about the world in general and nothing in particular. Drinks had spilled over to dinner to well, dessert and more at her place. This was something she hadn't done probably since early teenage. Promiscuousness was not one of her vices and she prided herself on that. Well, that was then and this is now. Six months, Touchwood. No-strings attached. Mature. Adult relationship is probably how you would define what they had and she was amazed how she had managed not to screw up this one yet.

She loved her life today. Her job, the bonds she had conjured, the people she was surrounded with, her blog, she loved everything and most importantly, she loved herself. She had never been governed by 'what society thought' and had neither let her life get defined by norms. She had paid the price for it, burnt her fingers a lot of times. Had learnt life's lessons by trial and error and finally discovered what worked for her. She had frozen them as the rules she lived by. And every once in a while, she would break those very rules for that one moment of sheer ecstasy.

Nobody who knew her today would believe what an emotional wreck she had once been. That she had sunk to the unimaginable lows of utter despair. Had tried to take her own life once, seen it trickle out of her, one drop at a time. Had shut herself to the world and gone on mute mode for 65 days. Had experimented with drugs and alcohol as a lifestyle and lost the thread of her life. How she held grudges against everyone, her parents, her friends, ex-boyfriends. Had believed for quite some time that they were all out to get her, that they had all failed her. Had measured her life in terms of the miseries that had befallen her.

She walked over to the juice-vendor, breathless after her hour long run. Sipping on the usual juice cocktail that she loved, she thought of that night, the night of epiphany, almost 2 years ago. She had woken out of a drunken stupor, to discover a room full of strangers, going through diaries and laughing their hearts out. She came to life in a jolt, when she realised that they were reading her journals. She sat there in a trance, while they discussed her like some screwed-up nutcase. She had run out of there, leaving behind everything and had never looked back. Slowly but surely, she had cleaned up her act. She rediscovered her few virtues, resilience and determination being topmost on them. She got comfortable with the 'issues' , both self-inflicted and life-inflicted. And she survived.

As she walked back into her room and tossed the keys on the dressing-table, he stirred and reached out for her. She got out of her clothes and cuddled up to him. She still woke up screaming, on some nights, from nightmares that feature the possible states of self-destruction she could have ended up in. She knows that she was this close to ruining her life completely. For today, she is grateful that she did not let it fall apart.

So while she has managed to find her place in the scheme of things and has made peace with her life, I wonder how many of us are truly enlightened enough to do that. She could be an exceptional 'case' but then, don't we all have our personal hells which we refuse to let go off. I know I find it difficult to prevent my past from spilling over to my present or future. I could give you various reasons for that or probably, just suppress all your arguments by the all-encompassing 'Its complicated. You won't understand'. But truth be told, I guess I am not ready. But then I am getting there.

So while I try to find the most painless route to enlightenment, Cheers to all of you out there who are in constant battle with enemies, both within and without, and are an inch closer to discovering the winning formula!! Let me in on the secret too....