German...Why??

Meine name ist Aparajita Mitra.
Ich komme aus Indien.
Ich wohne in Pune.
Ich bin vierundzweinzig jahre alt.
Meine gebunstag ist am Sechsten Oktober.
Ich mag blau und rot farben.
Ich spreche Hindi, English und Deutsch.
Ich bin sehr freundlich.

Feminist, am I ??

"I dont mind it when people call me a feminist. Where would the environmentalist be if the environment was not being abused? So while the female population is facing abuse in its various forms, there is a need for feminists."

This is more or less what Nandita Das had to say in an interview I read in Femina. This line of thought really made me think. People have called me a feminist from the time to time but then how do you define a feminist.

I protest when I see a girl being eve-teased on the road. Shouldn't everybody??

I counseled my driver out of abortion. He didn't want another daughter. Was that wrong??

I forced my maid to leave her abusive, drunkard of a husband. Wasn't that necessary??

I have argued for hours on whether women make better managers. Is capability sex-determined??

I support 'Hilary for President'. Not as a Clinton, not as a woman. So what??

My eyes were moist when Radhika got sworn in as Exec-council President. I think she was deserving. Isn't she??

I am against female foeticide, pre-natal sex determination, rape (marital and otherwise) and domestic violence. I am also against reservations based on sex, separate lines for women and believe that sexual harassment can be both by men and women. So what makes me a feminist??

My prime identity is that of a woman. All the roles I play are pre-determined by my gender. So when I fight battles, own and others, I carry my feminine sensibility with me. Once when I had made my driver stop a man from beating his wife in the middle of the road, he had asked me why I would want to get embroiled into the lives of others.

To me, its not someone else's life. Its mine, could be mine. I have faced abuse. I have faced discrimination. I have fought and I have fought alone. I dont think I deserved to fight alone though. I m privileged, I belong to the upper stratum of the society, so has it been different for me from the woman who stays in a ghettos?? Maybe, maybe not. The undercurrents of gender discrimination are present everywhere. Just that I am better equipped to deal with it. So I will, and on the way, I would lend a helping hand to everyone who needs one.

The men in my life have different ways of dealing with my inherent independence. Some ignore it, some try to suppress it. The others just let me be, even go ahead and nurture it. The men I have dated have found my basic self-assuredness appealing to refreshing to plain, initimidating.

I believe in the power called woman. I believe this power is all-encompassing and very, very potent. If that makes me a feminist, so be it.

So till we meet again....Cheers to every woman and the men behind them!!!!

I believe I can fly......

I have always loved dancing.. Ever since the day I walked into a dance class, ghungroos on my little feet as a four year old tot.. My mom says that I had rhythm in my step.. Dad says that he sent me there cos I kept imitating Madhuri Dixit and I was good (Thank you baba!!)

Since then, till now I have flitted from classical to semi-classical to Bollywood to just plain freestyle.. I just love the feeling when the music starts, my feet move and I forget everything else... I feel graceful, light, beautiful... As if the world has ceased to exist and there is just me and the music.. My body responds to music, be it in the bus, in the lift, at restaurants, just abt anywhere..

So when I found out that there was to be a dance, I had to be a part of it.. U cant imagine the thoughts that flitted thru my mind.. Colleagues who have never seen me dance, who see me as this heavy, not so graceful person.. What wud ppl say when they watch me perform.. What if I hav forgotten to dance.. Ridiculous but true

Nevertheless, I followed my heart.. Learned the steps.. Practiced with the guys.. Got all dressed up.. Tucked in the 'aanchal' of my saree.. And there I was all set to mesmerise..

The music started and I was on stage.. I dont remember what happened after that.. I was moving to the music, my hands and feet knew the movements well.. Smile on my face, mischief in my eyes.. No restraints, just sheer excitement.. I would never forget the evening.. It was, in my limited vocab, AWESOME... Loved the stage, the cheering, the hooting, the compliments, just about everything

Thank you to the wind below my wings.. It feels nice to know that I can fly [:)]

So while I relive my joy in my head and tend to my tired feet...... Cheers to all those ppl out there who are still spreading their wings!!!

Bolo na....

Bolo Na Kya Hua
Hum Ko Ye Kya Huya
Hui Aisi Baat Kya
Bolo Bolo Na

Tum Ne Mana Bura
Meri Kisi Baat Ka
Maine Kuch Hai Kaha..Bolo Bolo Na

Tune Bhi ,Maine Bhi Badla Kyun Raasta

Bolo Bolo... Hai Baat Kya......
Bolo Na Bolo Na
Hum Dono Mein Hai Baat Kya
Bolo Na Bolo Na

Yu Tuttne Ki, Sab Chhuttne Ki
Wajah Hi Nahi Thi Bachi.
Hum Dono Mein Kaisi Bhi Chup Ki
Jagah Hi Nahi Thi Bachi...

Phiir Main Chup Kyun Hui
Fir Tuchup Kyun Hua
Aaisa Kuch Kyun Hua
Bolo, Bolo Na..

Choti Si Baat Ne, Roka Hai Rasta
Hai Hai Hai Baat Kya.. Bolo Bolo Na
Tune Bhi ,Maine Bhi Badla Kyun Raasta

Bolo Bolo ... Hai Baat Kya........

Ek Duje Ko Sab Kehne Ki
Chahat Ko Kya Ho Gya
Batein Hawa Me Udane Ki Apni
Himmat Ko Kya Ho Gya..

Wo Himmat Kya Hui
Wo Chahat Kya Hui
Wo Fitrat Kya Hui
Bolo, Bolo Na..

Kaisi Bhi,Baat Ko, Dil Pe Kyun Le Liya
Hai Hai Hai Baat Kya.. Bolo Bolo Na
Tune Bhi ,Maine Bhi Badla Kyun Raasta

The first time I heard this song by Sona Mohapatra, was at Saloni's place in Indore. Instant connection, I tell you. I just fell in love with the song and have been humming it ever since. I feel as if I haev lived and relived this song a million times. I donno how...I donno where...But I have.

Maybe its cos I hate silence...Lemme rephrase that...I cant stand silence.. I have a compulsive urge to talk.. To fill up the empty spaces.. To me, the most comfortable relationships are the ones in which I can express myself completely, without any inhibitions.. So the very fact that I have to hide something or there are issues we cant discuss starts irking me...

Maybe its cos I believe in immediate conflict management... I dont like to let things simmer, to 'sleep over' things, to let issues pile up in my head till I deal with them.. I wud rather solve problems as soon as they appear, which is not appreciated by everyone..People avoid confrontations, say that it leads to conflicts.. So wat does holding grudges lead to... Stress, unwanted misgivings, stomach ulcers, hypertension, death.. I know I m going over the top, but this could actually happen..

Maybe its cos I have lost people over silence, rather lack of communication.. U feel bad but dont say a word.. U see him/her leave but dont call him/her back.. U want to make amends but never initiate.. U wait for the other person to approach you while he waits for you.. Stupid, isnt it??

Maybe its cos this song symbolises the effective disintegration of the relationship that I held very dear to me for 4 years... U start off by sharing the most trivial details of ur day to contemplating about whether u shud tell him certain things to becoming completely silent about ur feelings.. U r waiting for him to notice the silence behind your incessant chatter, the sadness behind the broad smile, something thats amiss.. Its not like u havent tried to speak.. Just that he stopped listening and u didnt wanna speak to a wall anymore..

So till I find a receptive listening ear again..... Cheers!!!!

Bye Bye Baby!!!

I can feel your heart beat inside me
I can feel you turn around
I want you so badly in my life
Yet, I squelch your very sound

They tell me that I cant have you
That you are nothing but a burden
I try so hard to convince them
But at last, I have to give in

I see the pain in your sister's eyes
I know I am responsible
I will not let it happen to you
This time I would be sensible

So I keep you away from them
Try so hard to negate your existence
But they are relentless, pushing
I am helpless in my incompetence

I have to let you go, my baby
Cant bring you into this world to die
They would kill you at birth anyways
At least now, its easier to say goodbye

Seeking.....

Conflict, conflict everywhere
Not a soul to save
Neither forgiveness, nor punishment
What is it that I crave

Tried so hard to forget the pain
That it got etched in my mind
I go out seeking peace
But turmoil is all I find

Waging war within myself
And battles with the world at large
I see no end to this struggle
Peace of mind appears a farce

Oh wat price, I wudnt pay
To sleep one night,without dreams
To spend one day without any worries
Its impossible, or so it seems

So deep is this thirst for happiness
So fervent is this need
I am down on my knees, pleading
But nobody wants to pay heed

So I wait, for that one moment
When I would be free of my past
When the voices in my head would be quiet
When I would be flying at last

Fears.....

U know u love him, but u r scared to confess

For fear of rejection….

U know he loves u, but u r scared to believe

For fear of assumption….

U know he’ll be true to u, but u r scared to trust him

For fear of deception….

U know u want more, but u r scared to tell him

For fear of desperation….

U know u want a relationship without bindings, but u r scared to decide

For fear of tradition….

U know he is the one for u, but u r scared to commit

For fear of imperfection….

U know u both have a future, but u r scared to depend on him

For fear of illusion….

U know u deserve better but u r scared to leave him

For fear of desolation….

Compromised.....

Imagine yourself in a hot air balloon.. Gliding way above the whole world.. You reach the ultimate heights.. The sky seems within reach.. You stretch out your hand.. The cottony clouds are just a touch away.. You reach out to the clouds, fingers wide open, jubilant to discover how near you are

Then, at this exact moment, the balloon deflates.. You begin your steep descent to the ground.. The clouds are fast moving out of your reach, the ground seems closer by the minute.. Thats when you notice the mother of all rocky mountains, Grand Canyon, you are heading for.. So, actually you are screwed.. You are zooming out, far far away from your skies and are headed to a ground where you would not even be able to find a footing..

Wat do you do?? Where do you go, except straight down??

This is a feeling I remember. Every compromise has reiterated this emotion. This emotion of loss that could have been avoided, happiness that could have been enjoyed. There is always this lingering question. Would it have been better had I not compromised?

The fact is that I would never know.. Because every time I am choosing a course of action, I am steering my destiny towards a new direction.. Every decision entails respective actions, reactions and counteractions.. So, sorry to sound like an MBA, but there is no right or wrong decision.. Its all relative.

However, many a times the choices are crystal clear.. I know what I want, or at least what I don't want.. I still choose the seemingly right things, just to appease the expectations around.. The turmoil inside never seems to matter.. I wonder why??

Is it because I think I don't deserve to be happy?? Or do I think that everyone else's happiness is more important than mine?? Or maybe I like playing a martyr?? Am I in love with the feeling of sacrifice, where I can proclaim that I have done so much for others?? Yet I never seem to have done enough for myself.. Why?? Why this indifference towards my own happiness?? Why this incessant urge to be everything to everyone?? How will I ever be able to accomplish it?? Is it necessary to lose myself to make others happy??

Uff!!! Too many questions.. Too few answers

So till I find some answers, and some peace while I am at it..... Cheers!!!

Insecurity personified......

"We, men, do not like women at the workplace. We prefer them at home, doing things that they are best at. Its not because we think that they are incompetent. They are, in fact, the most efficient people on earth. They do a lot more than what we can even imagine to accomplish. Its just that the way their home is a sacrosanct place to them, the workplace is sacrosanct to us. One fine day, women decided to take over the workplace and got better at the things that we were apparently born to do. Somehow, we could not catch up and get better at the things that they are tuned to do. So we just dont want any women in the workforce.

We dont mind the women who have entered the workforce for the entry level or what is basically the non-managerial jobs. We love women to be receptionists, housekeeping staff, air-hostesses, teachers, sales-girls etc. etc. We do not want these jobs anyways. Now more and more women are going for higher education, they are being hired for managerial jobs. Jobs that traditionally went to men. That is threatening us in a big way. What irks us even more is that women are being given preferential treatment during recruitment and quotas in colleges and stuff, which is also attracting the wrong kind of women. By wrong, I mean the women who are not at all serious about their careers. They join jobs to pass time till they get married. They resist travelling, late nights, job rotations, transfers, anything that might demand more than required from them. They leave jobs when it gets inconvenient to them, never looking back or thinking how it might affect the bigger scheme of things. Men hate such colleagues the most. They never get any respect or interest. And we know who these women are from the first day they join. So.... we dont want these women in our offices.

The reason I m telling you this is because you are one of them. You are this inexperienced, immature woman who has no clue about how to survive in the outside world. You think you understand everything and know a lot, just cos you go to this fancy b-school. Well, Aparajita, I m sorry to say that your b-school hasnt prepared you for anything, neither has your last 20 odd years of your life. You are just another one of those women who wants an MBA degree to boast on ur matrimonial profile and a fancy job to flaunt. You will walk out of your job the day your husband asks you to. Dont nod your head or try to defend yourself. Cos you cant. So dont ever cry in front of your colleagues to get their sympathy. They dont really care about you or give a damn. Walk out of this room and get the work done. Or just let me know that its too difficult for you, so that I can just dismiss you. You may leave now."

Some words by one of the so-called 'bastards', as mentioned in the previous post. Did I let him grind me down? I dont think so. I got the work done. Got appreciated, not by him though. And it did not matter. Who cares about an insincere, insecure, male-chauvinistic bastard like him anyways? So.... I move on to better things.

Someday, somewhere.... I wil run into him. So till that happens.........Cheers!!!

Do we??

'Dont let the bastards grind you down'.... I always thought that it was 'get you down'. Was just corrected by this finicky, I-know-everything-but-anyways-who-cares friend of mine. Anyways thats not what this is about, although thank you for correcting me. [:)]

Who are these bastards that we are worried would grind us down?? Do these people know that they are making life miserable for us?? Do they care?? Would they stop if we told them??

Why are we so scared of these people?? Are they very important to us, to our existence?? Would it matter if we told them to just 'fuck off'?? Do we have to keep getting ground into the earth to appease them??

When we are saying so forcefully that we will not let them grind us down, do we mean it?? I mean can we honestly do something about it?? We, who are first effectively giving the rights to the bastards to grind us down, and then resisting it. Do we really stand a chance??

Of soulful melodies and beautiful memories!!!!

Dard mein bhi yeh lab muskure jaate hai, Beetein lamhe hamein jab bhi yaad aate hai.... I have a lot of memories attached with this song.. I had hated the movie, a very tardily made copy of a much better Hollywood flick, Derailed.. The one thing that stayed with me frm the movie were its songs, all of them.

Over the last few weeks, it has become one of the oft-played tracks on my i-pod. So I couldn't contain my emotions when I heard the opening chords of this song at the KK concert tonight. I was standing quite behind in the area cordoned off for us, for the fear of getting mauled by a bunch of sweaty, euphoric madcaps. But as soon as I heard KK's voice wafting in the air, I walked towards the stage, mesmerised, trying to find him.

Standing adjacent to the stage, singing along with him, the evening moved at a languorous pace. Lyrics of songs come to me very rarely. I m one of those who makes up lyrics as the song moves on, not that they aren't good, just not original. Today was however a miraculous day. Every song he sang, I seemed to know the lyrics and even before he sang them. I always hesitate to sing cos somewhere I believe that I dont sound good, but today I was singing away to glory. The chick standing in front of me had to actually tell me and my friend that she hadnt come to hear us sing. And the songs he sang was way too close to my heart.

There were his usual dance numbers like Dus bahane, Koi kahe etc. The songs I love are his more soulful ones...
Tadap tadap... reminds me of this close friend of mine who sang this to his lady love after they broke up. There we were, under her hostel window, keeping watch, while he climbed onto her window and sang her the song.
Pal... this always makes me think about all the people that I have left back in life and moved on.. It makes me wonder about the actual relevance of people, cos most of these people were important to me at some point but I have lost touch wth them over a period of time.
Yaaron... reminds me of school and everything related to it. I genuinely miss Satya Sai. Those were my wonder years. When I moved from being a child and identified wat I m and wat I can be. Those 4 years in SSSVV deserve a separate post of their own. Mite write one soon enough.
Sach keh raha hain Diwana... is one of Vinay's favorite songs. That I wil always remember the million times I have heard/seen it is understating it. RHTDM is by far, one of Vinay's most favorite movie. I can think of so many occasions that I have called him up to tell him that the movie's on. I can never watch the movie again. Not wthout u, Vinay. :)
Kya Mujhe Pyar Hai... frm Woh Lamhein. The movie is abt Parveen Babi, or so it is said. But to me, this movie is abt Tanya. Abt this lost girl who is effectively flitting frm guy to guy to looking for some amount of semblance of normalcy.. Abt hrs spent discussing her but never being able to talk to her.. Due to hesitation, non-interference or simply, cos I never cared.. Just hope shes finds what shes seeking and some peace while shes at it

I could actually go on... Cos the list of songs that I associate with people will never end but this post was not abt that. It started out being about the wonderful evening that I spent doing something I like, something I m tryin to get used to. Listening to one of my favorite singers, getting completely mesmerised with him, requesting for a song and him actually singing it, dancing with friends and dinner with lotsa good conversation, topped wth strawberry icecream... I think the day ended on an excellent note. It felt good to just stand in the crowd and let the music wash all over me. It felt just as good to move raunchily to the songs wth one friend while almost headbang wth another during 'Summer of 69'.

I think what made this day special was that it was me, everywhere, all throughout. No pretensions, no inhibitions. Just pure Apu, doing what she does best, having fun.

So till we meet again, Cheers to KK and soulful melodies!!!!!!

New beginnings!!! , I guess

Life has always been a roller coaster. The ups are euphoric where u feel like the queen of the world...The downs are so mindfucking that u dont know whether u wud survive them. The last 6 months have passed in a whirlwind. A lot of events in our life are beyond our control, So, no use to cribbing abt them. But there is so much we can change. So much we can do to enrich our lives, make it more fulfilling, more worth living. Life shudnt just be lived, it needs to be lived to the fullest. Not just survived on a day to day basis, but enjoyed on a moment to moment basis. My roommate has this placard which I end up reading everyday but never bothered to ever implement it in life. It says....

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference

Then came new year and the usual list of resolutions. I promised myself that there would be atleast one resolution that I wud conscientiously follow. Everyone hoped and prayed that it wud be "Losing weight and getting in shape." I decided to pursue sumthin that I have essentially craved for ever since I can remember - Happiness.
So my resolution became the pursuit of happiness. I decided that I would only do things that give me happiness, in its truest form. No telling people that 'its ok' when all you wanna do is cry. No pretending to be happy while hoping that somebody wil read the sadness in your eyes. No looking for ur happiness in everyone else's happiness when they wud never do the same. Sounds self-centered, maybe it is. I just felt that I owed it to myself. To for once, do the things that give me happiness. So thts how this started.

This year that has been full of surprises. Got over phobias, experimented with things. Relinquished dead relationships, formed new bonds. Unlearned the compromise that I called life, rediscovered lost passions. And its only 52 days into the new year.... There's so much to come. So much to discover. So many things I wanna try. Feels so good to fall out of love wth the world and fall in love with oneself. To break free of stagnation and the writer's block.

P.S. U cant imagine how long I have debated with myself before I posted this, how long I thought before the thoughts got translated into words. The pain is unbearable when your mind is bursting with thoughts and the pen is itching to turn them into coherent lines. But nothing happens. Its like when a painter has forgotten colour coordination. Like when a person has forgotten how to use a spoon and fork. Utterly frustating, almost soul-wrenching. :-)

So till we meet again.......Cheers to new beginnings!!!!

First poem in ages

The numbness frightens me
The openness scares me more
There is so much I m goin thru
I m scarred to the core
The healing is so painful
Do I really need the pain?
The wounds threaten to consume me
I can see myself go insane

Fortune of the Day on Orkut

Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you...... Thats what my fortune on Orkut says. Is it really that simple? Is happiness knocking on my door? Staring me in the face, maybe? While I refuse to acknowledge it. Maybe I have romanticised depression... Maybe Happiness is really within reach, just that I dont wanna stretch my hands.
Arbit post after an abominably long dry spell....Had to comment...So here I am...Start blogging...Point # God-knows-wat in the Magna Resolutiona of 2008....Hav been keeping my resolutions for this year so far....So wil keep this one too
So till we meet again...soon....Cheers!!!

Saturday Evening Blues

I had heard of Monday morning blues, kind of like a weekend hangover.......But ever since I have come to Mumbai, its a case of Saturday evening blues......Ususally I head home on Saturdays, home as in Pune......But whenever I m in Mumbai, it turns into a big question about what to do.....Actually this wasnt much of a problem when I was in Pune.....Maybe its that I had a lot of expectations from Mumbai nightlife and that Saturday Night has this air about it..........So u kinda tend to wanna hang around frendz and do stuff.......Anyways here I am on another Saturday night, not doin much, sitting and blogging......Shud be headed home now, home as in Chembur.......Its far, very far from the Town (Mumbai main city)....Well, actually in Mumbai, the perception of distance is quite different from Pune......By Pune standards, Chembur and Dadar are far apart but a Mumbaiite would measure all distance in terms of stations.......This is a habit that initially irritated me but now that I have started travelleing by trains myself, I understand why.......Yes, they are everything that the media and the Mumbaiites say it is.......Overcrowded, Space crunched, Slightly dirty, Hot, but at the same time an extremely Efficient and Convenient mode of travel.......Everytime I get down from a local train, I swear I wud never get on one again...........Nevertheless, the next time I have to go somewhere, I immedidately start wondering which station would it be nearest to............Anyways, its really late and I need to catch the local to Kurla and then to Tilak Nagar
So till we meet again................Cheers!!!

To be or not to be........cynical

Anyone can be an idealist…Anyone can be a cynic…The hard part lies somewhere in the middle, i.e. in being human. Very wise words from an equally wise classmate of mine. I used to be an idealist. I believed that the end of is always happy and if it isn’t happy, then its not the end. Even my dreams were utopian. Perfect love life, perfect job, happiness and love all around. All bullshit, I tell u. Sorry, that’s the cynic in me talking. Life kinda does that to you. I mean I do try to look at the bright side of things as is advised. But sometimes the silver lining is a li’l too thin and no matter how hard I look, I just can’t see it. A lot of ppl call me the black hat, maybe because I seem to have a skeptical viewpoint about most things. When people get all excited and happy about good and happy events, I tend to look for the catch in it. So you cant say that to be human is not to be too cynical. Being a cynic is a lesson you learn. 23 years of experience of this journey called life has taught me that you should always have a pessimistic attitude. If things go bad, you would not be shocked but if things go good, then you can always be pleasantly surprised. I m an avid believer in Garfield’s philosophy. One of my favourites is

Jon: I'm depressed, Garfield. After I'm gone, no-one will care that I ever existed. "
Garfield: " Hey, cheer up, Jon. They don't even care now. "

I m back!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love writing. Have loved it ever since I can remember. Maybe this love arises from the fact that I love talking. Mom says that I started talking when I was about a year old and refused to stop ever since. As I grew older, I figured that not everyone was interested in my incessant chatter. So a lot of things that were left unsaid got written. I have been writing ever since I can remember. Maybe it helped that I started school at the age of 2 and a half. Words have always been my best frendz, whether verbally or written. Started blogging about a year and a half back. But a series of unfortunate events resulted in the demise of the blog. Currently I find myself bottled up. I hav a lot to say but I dont know whom to talk to. So I decided to start blogging again. Who better to share my thoughts than my blog?

So till we meet again...........Cheers!!!!